


Dear Sir Criminal

by DorMarunt



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, Professional Rivalry, a lot of implied art theft, everyone sounds more pompous in handwritten letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 05:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30084468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorMarunt/pseuds/DorMarunt
Summary: Dear Sir Criminal,I write to you in the hope that this letter finds you.(and not the police)
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa & Palermo | Martín Berrote
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Dear Sir Criminal

**Author's Note:**

> Short, sweet, epistolary. 
> 
> ~~Implied~~ Obvious Berlermo.

Dear Sir Criminal,

I write to you in the hope that this letter finds you.  
(and not the police)

I think I know your M.O. by now, and guessing your next target was child’s play once I found your preferred price range for the items you seek to acquire. And while I must congratulate you on your taste, I am not fond of how it seems to clash with mine.

Twice in the past four months you managed to procure certain pieces of jewelry right before I made my move. What an admirable feat.

Bravo.

How rude, though!

If you do that again, I will find you, take back what’s mine, and then I’ll take something of yours in return - maybe your heart? Maybe some other (reasonably-sized) organ that you are overly attached to.

Oh and I got that sparkly tiara, in case it wasn’t already obvious from the empty safe.

Please see it as a gesture of goodwill on my part, for allowing you to live long enough to never repeat the mistake of getting in my way.

Cordially,  
A fellow professional of equally good taste

***

Dear Sir Criminal,

First of all, how dare you.

That letter was for your eyes and your eyes only; leaving it in the safe for the police to find was downright disrespectful - professional courtesy and all.

Second of all, did you really think that the police would find something? I’m disappointed with how little you must think of me.

Third, yes, this statue is a replica - I’m sure you could tell the second you heard this little letter rattling around in the base.

I really do love to have fun!

What I do not love is the empty spot in my collection where that Modigliani should have been, the one that you absconded with last week.

I’m pretty sure I warned you about getting in my way.

Next time, I’ll make sure to remind you in person.

Cordially,  
The man who will end you

***

Dear Sir Criminal,

I’m beginning to worry about your affinity for getting the police involved in our little thing. The letter - fine, I get it. You probably hoped that the police would do the dirty work for you and find me. I hope you’re not surprised that they didn’t.

I’m equally hoping that you didn’t seriously think that was going to work. I’ve been doing this for long enough to spot a set-up like this miles away. I was offended but then I thought - have I maybe overestimated you?

I know this is a rather unorthodox means of getting in contact with you, but you have to admit it’s elegant and clever. And it has the advantage of reminding you that I have the upper hand, knowing what pieces you’re trying to move. We move in the same circles, I know all your contacts - who else but Louic can find a buyer for a Modigliani?

Don’t worry, he doesn’t know me, hasn’t seen me, etc etc. Please don’t go and torture the guy, we really need his connections, the both of us.

Anyway - I hope you got a good deal on that painting, Louic is as fair as you can get, given our line of work.

If you’re smart, you’ll use that money to make yourself disappear.

Before I do.

Cordially,  
Your less and less amused colleague

***

Dear Sir Criminal,

This is my last letter to you.

I must admit that I am disappointed in your lack of meaningful communication from you; your actions say so much, but your words are sorely missed. I have to inform you that I have given up on waiting for you to speak to me.

You see, I have been silent for a while, but I’ve spent that time well, if I say so myself. I looked into your work - and my, what a resume you have! Impressive indeed.

Imagine my relief when I realised that I did not overestimate you; you really are good. No one could have pulled off that Champs-Élysées heist like you have, and that break-in in the old library, that was you too, right? I know it was you, I don’t know who else would have known of the secret room with the manuscripts - the police certainly didn’t, and neither did the library. Or they did, but knew they couldn’t account for their provenance in the first place, so they didn’t report it. Either way, perfect crime - it had to be you.

And you know, since this is my last letter, I feel like I can confide in you - I didn’t even think that you’d go for the manuscripts, it took me completely by surprise to read about it in the paper, to piece it all together.

I did know you’d be here tonight, though.

Well, by now, enough time has passed that I can safely assume that I made it inside as well.

At any moment, you’ll lift your eyes from this paper and right behind you—

Good to finally meet you - from now, we can speak face to face.

Cordially,  
A fan

**Author's Note:**

> Curious as to who everyone thinks is the author of the letters! :D


End file.
